Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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