saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
