I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
