You're my little dorito
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
