The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
