Apparently you make a good broom.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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