I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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