This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
