just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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