how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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