for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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