I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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