youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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