Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
