I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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