I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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