i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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