Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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