Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
