dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
