Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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