The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
