mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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