its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
