grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
