At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
