This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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