operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
