the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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