i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Boobs speak an international language.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
