I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
