It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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