saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
