I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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