Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
