if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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