I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
