Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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