I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
