if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just had sex on a roof
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
