Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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