I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We are all done wearing pants today
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
