Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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