Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I AM VODKA MAN
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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