If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
