I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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