my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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