I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
