yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
