if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
