If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
