Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
