You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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