were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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