please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
