Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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