well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
