I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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