I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
