My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
