Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
